Errrr Bodies

Have you heard of that exposition called "Bodies"? It's pretty gross. It's a bunch of dead asians with their skin ripped off and insides exposed put on display for the world (to pay) to see. Did you know they charge about 30 bucks for this down at the Seaport in New York? C'est vrai. Well I checked this out about two years ago and I thought it was gross. Interesting, sure, if you want to be a doctor or like gross things. They did these weird things to the eyes and lips so that the bodies would be unrecognizable if, per chance, a family member happened to be checking out the exhibit. I could be making this up, but I thought I heard that these bodies were donated to science cus they were unclaimed at the morgue or something. So imagine you have family that won't claim your body but will pay $30 to see like 50 random strangers' bodies. Well, I think people like that deserve to be confronted by the face of those they deserted. Just think, if they were good people they could've seen a dead body for free...

This is taking a morbid and inappropriate turn.

So, anywho, they brought this exhibit to Paris, and changed the name to "Our Body." Nope, that's not a translation from French to English, that's what it's called. They changed it from "Bodies" to "Our Body." I think this was a bad idea and probably doomed the exhibit from the start. Next time you meet a French person, ask him or her to say "our." Then laugh for minutes as you listen to the sounds they make. It's ok, you can laugh, they deserve it. Arrrr. Oerrrr.

So the exhibit was shut down last week due to being indecent. Something about not knowing exactly where the bodies came from and if they were obtained through ethical means. I guess the exhibit had a lot less bodies, though, than the New York one and was censored. Not that this makes body-snatching any more OK just because there are less bodies that have been snatched. So the exhibit was ordered to be shut down immediately or face a fine of something like 20,000 euros per day, so it's shut down.

I've never really thought of France as being a country that was easily offended by indecency, considering that a lot of ads in print and on TV feature a bit of nudity. Not that that's really indecent either, but it's interesting that France would shut down this exhibit while it's still running in America. Americans are easily offended. Remember how we saw Janet Jackson's sparkly nipple covering and the country flew into a frenzy and now there's like a mandatory 8 second delay on live TV and poor Damita Jo became a pariah? I'm sure lots of people complained about Bodies, but apparently not enough to shut it down. I guess it comes down to the question of whether these bodies were obtained by legal, ethical means and not whether it's gross.

So, there ya go. It's been really cold in Paris the last few days. Rain, then sun, rain, then sun.

Scared Straight

so i just went to type the address of this website and instead of typing "www" i typed "wwj." Apparently I've got jesus on the brain. Good thing, cus I'm guilty of criminal behavior. Let me 'splain.

So I've said it before and I'll say it again. When I'm in a foreign country, I love stealing. i can't get enough of it. Harmless stealing (which is the only kind of stealing I do) is the best! So I mentioned how the turnstile on the metro was broken and i got a free ride. Well the next day I also got a free metro ride! What luck! (Musta been the bird shit!) So I was at Montparnasse Bienvenue and I had my ticket out ready to go through the turnstile, when I noticed that the turnstile right next the one I was about to use was stuck open. I considered my options for a moment, thought maybe it was a trick, but tried my luck anyway. The doors didn't shut on me so I thought, "great! a free metro ride! i could use it, i'm unemployed" (and probably will be forever since i'm now publishing my tendency to break the law). So I made it all the way home, sans probleme, and thought about how great it is to steal things.

So today I was at the same metro station seriously hoping I could get another free ride. So I turn the corner to reach the turnstiles, and drat, none of them is broken, so I have to use a ticket. Good thing!! As soon as I turn into the tunnel that leads to my train, I'm greeted by a roadblock of about six controleurs checking everyone's ticket! So it was all good cus I actually used my ticket, but I couldn't help but think about how close I'd come to getting thrown into a French prison because I tried to cheat the RATP out of 1,60 euros. Well I probably wouldn't have gone to prison, but I'm sure it would've been a huge inconvenience. So i'm not going to be looking to steal a metro ride again until I feel like things have calmed down and it's safe again.

So how about that swine flu?? how do these things even happen? it's a mix of bird flu, swine flu, and people flu? how did those things ever get mixed together? isn't "swine" one of the most awful words ever? as if people weren't scared enough of mexicans already, now everyone's going to think they've all got swine flu.


Author's note: the only things i've ever stolen are glassware from bars and metro rides. I was doing those bars a favor by taking those glasses - fewer dishes for them to wash!

stranger danger!

here's a short list of things that i hate that i can think of at the moment:
1) grocery shopping
2) laundry
3) talking to strangers.

Ugh strangers are the worst. So today I had metro turnstile issues. It wouldn't take my ticket, so I tried another turnstile and that didn't work either. I could see people waiting on the platform and thought "well how did they get over there?" So I figured maybe it was just this side of the metro that didn't work (was i drunk??) and decided to to go to the other side and try to get in there. I had to switch trains to get home anyway so I figured that it doesn't really matter which station I switch at, so what would be wrong with going in the other direction? So the other side doesn't take my ticket either! So I figure I'll just take myself to another metro station. As I'm turning around a girl said something to me in French. It was about three words and I had no idea what they meant. I'm glad I've been taking French lessons since I was eight years old and still can't understand one goddamed word of it when not in a controlled situation. So I was able to figure out that she was saying I could just go through, so through I went. But now I'm still on the side of the metro that takes me out of the way of where I want to go. Well I don't want to look stupid and switch to the other side so I stay put and figure I'll switch trains at Chatelet which I know will be a pain in the ass, but I feel the need to follow through.

So I switch at Chatelet to the 7 heading to my apt. I'm walking down the stairs to the platform and i hear the "excusez-moi!" oh no, i'm the only one here i have to turn around cus she's talking to me! so she says "is this the 7?" and i said yes and she starts asking me questions. i'm like, oh god. so i try to get out of it by telling her i don't really understand what she's saying. so she keeps talking to me but doesn't slow down one bit! she asks where i'm from, what my name is, and then keeps asking me to translate english phrases for her. deep down i really feel like i'm going to end up getting robbed when this is all over. so i guess i understand how the french feel when i speak to them, cus as she's saying these english words, i just can't understand at all! i was able to help her with some of them such as "i gotta," "through," and "go around," but the others, forget it. So when I would tell her that I didn't know what she was saying she would say, "why not? it's an american saying!" So she asked if i had a cell phone, I said no cus I thought she was going to then ask to use it, but she just wanted to hang out, so i told her i was leaving in two days. if my life was a tv show my cell phone would've rang right then! luckily it didn't. i should also point out that she was asking me if the train was going towards porte de la villette. i told her i didn't know, but then we got on the train, saw she was going in the wrong direction and stayed on the train with me anyway! then she told me she liked my purse and i thought for sure i was getting robbed. i was so scared she was going to get off at my stop with me, but she didn't, thank god. and she didn't end up robbing me, so that's a good thing.

There's Merde Falling from the Sky!

You know how people say it's lucky to get shit on by a bird? Do you know who those people are? Those are people who have never been shit on by a bird. Today I took a direct hit in the Luxembourg Gardens. The only lucky part (I guess) about it is that it hit my shoe and not my head, but it did ricochet off of my foot and onto my jeans. So gross. I saw something fall from the tree but thought it was a nut or a stick or something and thought that it was a good thing that it didn't hit my head cus it probably would've hurt. Little did I know that it was fecal matter falling from the sky.

I have actually had a couple of near-shit experiences in my life. The first one was the summer of 2004 on a bench in Boston Common. I was eating lunch with a friend when all of a sudden, splat. A bird decided to use my Longchamp bag as its toilet. Asshole bird couldn't have found something less expensive to shit on? Luckily I was spared bodily contact in that instance, but that didn't make it any less of a horrifying experience.

The second, and until today, most recent bird-shitty experience happened in May 2007 at the Cannes Film Festival. "Zodiac," starring my future husband Jake Gyllenhaal, was playing in the Palais that night, so I was lined up next to the red carpet to gawk at celebrities and feel bad about myself because my life doesn't involve wearing fancy clothes and going to movie premieres. So because I wanted to be close to Jake I got there with some time to spare and just stood there waiting. Since I was by myself, I really had nothing to do but think. As the crowd got bigger I thought to myself, "What if a bird decided to shit right when it was flying over us?" Then, I shit you not, a bird shit on the kid in front of me! We all knew it happened, but didn't know right away who the victim was. I kept checking myself and was pretty sure that it wasn't me, then the poor kid, who was maybe 15, said "Mom a bird shit on me!" He said it in French though and probably didn't say "shit" but that's what happened. The best part was watching his mother say nothing, but try to stifle her laugh, give her son an "oh well" look and just turn away to continue keeping her on the red carpet, anxiously awaiting the celebrities that were to arrive.

Oh my god birds are so gross.

Idol Thoughts...

I have homework that I should be doing, but I don't want to so I thought I would procrastinate a little bit more and talk about one of my favorite things, American Idol!

I'm starting to really hate this show, and even though I'm out of the country I'm still obsessed with watching the performances and knowing the results. I just need to know. I hate being so curious!

So let's start with the addition of the new judge, Kara. I like her. I think she brings valuable experience to the table by being a songwriter and really understands the business and knows what works in pop music. That being said, why is she making herself so useless? I'm so tired of hearing, "I need more from you," or "show us who you really are." WTF? Why do they need to show who they really are? You're going to be writing all the songs for all of the contestants that actually make anything of themselves so why lead them to believe that they need to express their personality when they're just going to be forced to sing someone else's thoughts and words? We all know how the pop music industry works, you're not fooling anyone.

What is wrong with Paula? Yeah I know it's not really clever or original to make fun of her, but I'm really starting to get annoyed by her behavior. Stop slurring your words and spit it out already! Or just keep your mouth shut cus nothing you say makes any sense anyway and I hate sitting there for five minutes while you try to form words and then end up just putting those words in any order you want thinking that you've just said something useful. There are rules to the English language; follow them. And keep your hands off Simon. It's so obnoxious to make us sit there watching the two of you act like four year old idiots while we just want to hear the next singer. Why are any of you even there at all? Such a time waster.

Randy Jackson. He checked out a long time ago, I think.

Simon, you used to be relevant but now I think you just sit there trying to get through the show as quickly as possible.

Danny and Anoop, I hate you both so much. The sight of you makes me angry. It's not fair that Scott MacIntyre got made fun of for his teeth when Danny's got incisor issues too. And a weight problem. Stop growling and screaming and actually sing please. Why do people like him??? Home-schooled douche. And Anoop, oh my god what is the appeal? I think he comes across as pretty arrogant and I hate the smugness. He's so full of himself.

Kris Allen, I would like you better if you weren't married. That was a dumb choice. I really liked his performance of "Falling Slowly" from the movie Once, which is, by the way, a fantastic movie.

Matt Giraud, Marry me please? I'm so glad he got the judges save! He's hot and he's talented.

Adam Lambert, you should win but don't let it all start getting to your head, which I think it might be.

The rest of them I don't care about. I think Danny should go home next cus he sucks at singing and at life, but I think it will be Lil and Anoop voted off, they're pretty awful as well.

Just a little mention about "Nouvelle Star" the French version of Idol. Oh my god how bad were the rejects if this is what the ones who were good enough to make it sound like? These kids are awful. I was so excited to watch it, but I couldn't even make it through the show cus I couldn't handle hearing such awful singing. I like hearing them sing in English though cus it's interesting to hear the noises they make to make up for not understanding the real words and not being able to sing them properly.

Ugh, now I'm tired. Maybe I'll take a little nap before I do my homework. Why do I learn nothing in my class yet have a ridiculous amount of work to do at home?

Business Time

Yesterday I found out that a group of ferrets is called a "business." That's not fair. Why do ferrets get the coolest gang name of all? Do ferrets even hang out in groups all that often? Sometimes people let me hang out with them so I decided that on those occasions I would refer to that group as "my business." For example, I've been having a lot of fun with my business here in France, but I really miss my American business. You should try it too!

Today it happened. Jordan Catalano, like actually, spoke to me. He said a real sentence to me. It was around 1 pm France time right outside room 303 Raspail at the Alliance Francaise. I was approaching the stairs, he was coming out of the bathroom, and then I heard it. "Bon week-end." Oh my god those are the most magical words I've ever heard spoken! And I know he really meant it. He really wanted me to have a good weekend. I have to admit that I'm really not surprised he chose that moment to talk to me cus he was behind me and the jeans I was wearing today fit me really well. So whilst trying not to fall down the stairs, I alluringly did a half turn and replied "bon week-end" and kept going downstairs so as to look like my business was waiting for me because of how popular I am. Then I said to myself in disbelief, "I carried a watermelon??" Ah well. We're both presenting articles to the class on Monday, but he asked if he could present in the second half of class because he was going to Italy for the weekend and will probably be late to class. He was late today too, but I like when that happens cus then I get to watch him walk across the room as he chooses to NOT sit in the empty seat right next to me.

I'm doing a load of laundry right now. I figured I would do one load today and one tomorrow because I didn't bring any clothes to wear while I do the wash, so if I washed them all at once I would be naked right now, and I don't want to be cus it's not very warm today. The French don't use dryers so I'll need to wait about a day for my clothes to dry. I should also add that I have no idea how to use the washing machine and I don't really know what's happening to my clothes right now. The setting I chose is "30 delicat" and 600 for the essorage. I don't know what any of that means, but I figured I wouldn't choose any extremes, so as long as soap and water are making contact with my clothes, I guess I'll be ok. Well I hope the soap is making contact with my clothes, I didn't really know what compartment (out of four!) to put that in. So I put in in the second one, cus you know, why not?

I Don't Think We're Even Allowed to Call Ourselves Frozen Embryos Anymore

Paris has been amazing thanks for asking! The weather is so warm and lovely and the baguettes are tres delicieuses!

I started my intensive french course today at the Alliance Francaise. So far so good. The first day of class always brings up insecurities in me though. Not because I'm worried about how well I'll do in the course or anything, but because, for some reason, no one ever wants to sit next to me in class. It's been like this since college when the idea of assigned seating suddenly went out the window because supposedly we were adults and could choose our own seats without incident. Seat choosing is a huge deal. I have a problem with being chronically early, so I would always try to be strategic when choosing my seat. I don't want to sit in the way front cus then everyone will think I'm a nerd and you risk the chance of constantly having your professor's genitals in your face, and you don't want to sit all the way in the way back cus then you might not be able to see and you also risk being surrounded by slackers who could maybe have this reverse-motivational effect on you. So I always walk into the room, analyze the style and substance of the layout and then park it. So there I would be at the beginning of each semester anxiously awaiting the arrival of my fellow classmates. One by one they file in, and one by one they sit no where near me. I never understood why no one would ever sit near me even though I was sure I had picked prime classroom real estate and surely everyone else would want to sit in the same area! Never the case! And I *analyzed.* I *know* I had the best seat! These experiences have really taken a toll on my self-esteem, and made me very conscious of my seat-choosing later in life. When I'm on the subway and it clears out, and the only other person on the train is still sitting next to me, I actually go through this internal battle about whether I should move my seat. I mean, I know how it feels to not have anybody want to sit next to you, so I don't want to ruin their day by moving my seat and offending them. They're left asking themselves, "what did i do? what is it about me? WHY I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" And the struggle inside just keeps getting more and more intense and I start thinking "well, why don't *they* move??" And this is really a no-win situation either cus I kinda want them to move cus I want more space but don't want to be the mover in case I offend them, but then my feelings will also be a little hurt if they move cus I'll just never really know why. So as I'm sitting in my French class today, people are filing in and not sitting next to me. I snagged an awesome seat in the corner by the window. Then this German girl (I think, cus she was really pretty and I have yet to meet a German girl who isn't gorgeous. bitches) sat next to me and I was like, "great now I have no room to breathe cus this girl is practically on top of me." I can't win!

And then he walked in. Jordan Catalano. My heart stopped. He was 15 minutes late and listening to his iPod. His hair was a mess and probably hadn't been washed or combed in weeks. He's Italian. He's perfect. He sits next to the German girl (dammit!) and I can't believe there's only one person separating me from the love of my life. I do a quick once-over of my competition to see where I really stand and I see that she's engaged. I hope Catalano sees it soon too. I'm dying for the instructor to stop lessons so he can introduce himself! His name is Simon and he's from Milan, but I still call him Jordan Catalano. He says he does nothing. When asked to elaborate he says "no really. I do nothing." I want to marry him. I love doing nothing too! He has such a thick Italian accent when he speaks French and I wonder "why do the French laugh at my American accent? This is much worse." But I don't even care. I want him to speak Italian to me. I want him to tell me that I'm so beautiful it hurts to look at me. I want him to tell me all about Tino and their band. He's got this beautiful poof of hair on his head that says "I don't need to care." His tan skin makes his crystal blue eyes stand out like dandruff on a black wool sweater. We have yet to speak and I'm sure we never will, but that's ok. We are not meant to actually be with our Jordan Catalanos. They are only to be worshipped from afar.

After class I grabbed a sandwich and took a seat in the Jardins de Luxembourg. As I'm sitting there eating, I hear a petite "vroom vroom" behind me. I turn my head just a tiny bit to the right and see this old man on his scooter veer off the walkway and get stuck in the mud. I wonder if I should help? I don't want to laugh too hard cus then everyone will know that I see him and will scold me in their minds for not helping. I mean his family left him behind, so I'm not sure why he should become my responsibility. So he throws the scooter into reverse and kicks up a few pebbles but doesn't make much progress. So it's back and forth for about thirty seconds when the scooter finally overpowers the mud and off he scoots to rejoin his family who had made it pretty far already without him. Good thing he's got that scooter to catch up!

worst.blogger.ever

why even have a blog if you're not going to update it?? i have a lot of good stories to share and i know i'm depriving the world of them by not writing them down, but sometimes don't you just get tired of repeating your stories?? i actually never get tired of talking about myself so i guess the only reason i never update the blog is because i'm lazy.

but this all changes with this post! (maybe). henceforth i will update this blog on a regular basis. since i started this blog i have moved to france, moved back to massachusetts, then moved to new york, then moved back to massachusetts again, and then moved back to france where i am right at this very moment. i'm in paris to be precise. the 13th arrondissement to be preciserer. strange things happen to me all the time, but even more so in foreign countries so this will be my outlet to partager mes histoires folles! (that might not mean anything in real french, but i know what i'm trying to say, and as for you - look it up!)

so after losing my job in this economic crisis (quelle horreur!) i decided that working just ain't my thang for the moment. well, really all the potential employers i sent my resume to decided working ain't my thang so i picked myself up, dusted myself off, and told myself "self, you should travel!" so i packed my bags, left nyc, and moved back home with my cat. leo has been very supportive through this difficult time of unemployment.

i arrived in the city of lights on sunday the 5th and have been doing lots of sleeping. since i'm here for a while i'm not really rushing to go out exploring. i'm going to take some french courses which will hopefully help me in landing a job at some point in the future where i can speak french which is what i've been wanting for years and years but have not yet found.

so after rising from a deep slumber around 12:30 pm on my first full day, i ventured out to faire les courses and buy some provisions. as soon as i turn the corner i'm approached by a french man "excusez-moi excusez- moi." and i'm just thinking "oh no" just because i was pretty sure i wouldn't understand what he was saying and my foreigner status would be revealed. so i think he sees the hesitation and fear written all over my face cus he says something along the lines of "no i didn't stop you for you." then i was a little offended and he says something about a tabac, i said "je ne sais pas" and i see his face light up as he realizes i'm not from here. he then proceeds to ask me to go to a cafe, i say "non merci" and he tells me that i am "tres jolie" and i say "merci" and continue on my way. i don't do well when i'm confronted by strangers. it's some sort of defense mechanism to automatically hate everyone i don't know. it's a wonder i've made any friends at all.

after another night of about 14 hours of sleep, i wake up and decide that i should get my SIM card for my cell phone. so i head to the mall at place d'italie and i just wander around the mall for a few minutes cus i'm too nervous to go into the store and buy my sim card. the last time i got a cell phone in france was a disaster. i ended up blocking the SIM card cus i was putting in the wrong PIN and had to get a new one mailed to me and i waited a week for it. lesson learned - never turn off your french cell phone, just in case! so i finally muster the courage and go into the france telecom store for my sim card. the guy approaches, i tell him i need a SIM card, i see the "oh great a foreigner" look on his face and he asks me if my phone is "debloque." i understood! this won't be so bad! i respond, "oui!" then we get into filling out the paperwork and he asks for my name, here's where it goes sour. because i'm american, i say my first name first then my last name. he then gives me a quick french lesson that "nom" would be my last name and when he wants my first name he'll say "prenom." this is all very simple vocab that i know, but he does a good job in making me feel kinda stupid. so then this random french dude comes up beside me and is all up in my biz like we know each other. he's standing right next to me! this personal space thing is going to be a problem, as it always is with me. so he's laughing at me as i have to repeat everything i say and then spell it cus the phone guy can't understand my accent. a little effort french people!

so i'm still settling in slowly. it's different being here for just a few months without a job and much tougher. i don't have a french bank account this time around so i can't buy my metro tickets from a machine and it sucks standing in line. plus when you pull out a credit card without a "puce" everyone knows that you're not european. so hopefully things will go smoothly! did i just shoot myself in the foot by writing that? probably.