There's Merde Falling from the Sky!

You know how people say it's lucky to get shit on by a bird? Do you know who those people are? Those are people who have never been shit on by a bird. Today I took a direct hit in the Luxembourg Gardens. The only lucky part (I guess) about it is that it hit my shoe and not my head, but it did ricochet off of my foot and onto my jeans. So gross. I saw something fall from the tree but thought it was a nut or a stick or something and thought that it was a good thing that it didn't hit my head cus it probably would've hurt. Little did I know that it was fecal matter falling from the sky.

I have actually had a couple of near-shit experiences in my life. The first one was the summer of 2004 on a bench in Boston Common. I was eating lunch with a friend when all of a sudden, splat. A bird decided to use my Longchamp bag as its toilet. Asshole bird couldn't have found something less expensive to shit on? Luckily I was spared bodily contact in that instance, but that didn't make it any less of a horrifying experience.

The second, and until today, most recent bird-shitty experience happened in May 2007 at the Cannes Film Festival. "Zodiac," starring my future husband Jake Gyllenhaal, was playing in the Palais that night, so I was lined up next to the red carpet to gawk at celebrities and feel bad about myself because my life doesn't involve wearing fancy clothes and going to movie premieres. So because I wanted to be close to Jake I got there with some time to spare and just stood there waiting. Since I was by myself, I really had nothing to do but think. As the crowd got bigger I thought to myself, "What if a bird decided to shit right when it was flying over us?" Then, I shit you not, a bird shit on the kid in front of me! We all knew it happened, but didn't know right away who the victim was. I kept checking myself and was pretty sure that it wasn't me, then the poor kid, who was maybe 15, said "Mom a bird shit on me!" He said it in French though and probably didn't say "shit" but that's what happened. The best part was watching his mother say nothing, but try to stifle her laugh, give her son an "oh well" look and just turn away to continue keeping her on the red carpet, anxiously awaiting the celebrities that were to arrive.

Oh my god birds are so gross.